My first day back at work today was not the roaring success that I thought it would be.
I’ve always had stage fright… all my life. It’s that sick sense inside your stomach in anticipation of having to perform while others watched. And no matter how much support of love they give, it’s the primary attention that I dread, the sense that I will feel exposed and unable to recover if I make a mistake while everyone is watching. My own insecurities.
That same fright has been with me since I woke up on Monday morning. I didn’t know why I was suddenly so anxious. Then when I connected it with the fact that I would walk back into the office after being away for so long, in the full view of the many staff who know only a general reason why I was away, I felt sick to the stomach.
Then I thought to myself, “This is just stage fright. The same thing you’ve experienced thousands of times as you prepare to play the piano or give a sermon.” And like those many times, I only needed about 30 seconds, and then the fright was over. I would settle in and do what I came to do. And so I expected the same thing today.
That was not to be. It took me 3 hours to get ready my regular 30-minute morning routine. I took some time on the way to buy flowers, having agreed to myself that I would always have fresh flowers at my desk. I got some lunch. Then I came to the parking lot of the university, parked my car, and took about 5 minutes to take a deep breath and prepare for the entrance. The walk to my office seemed longer than usual, and my pace slowed as I approached the opening of office area.
There they were, the staff. Familiar faces, and a glance of surprise and understanding, just as I had expected. I held myself up and greeted everyone intentionally. I stepped into my office, and stumbled to find the light switch. I had totally forgotten where it was. Jennifer came into the office, and somehow, her care always cuts me to the core, and my first tears came.
My meeting with the dean to get oriented the current status of the Faculty started also with sobs, and he quickly realized that he probably wouldn’t be able to get through his entire agenda. We stopped, probably only halfway through, since my poor head couldn’t absorb that much information. And I realized just how far back I had fallen from being able to multi-task and juggle all my balls in the air like I used to do. Gawd, I miss that girl.
I left the two back-to-back meetings in a bit of a daze, sat in the office, and tried to be productive. My heart was pounding a million miles a minute, and I started to well up again. It was not what I had expected. I have always been able to at least put my emotional baggage aside and attend to the work at hand. But not today.
I can’t figure out if it’s too early to return, or if this is just a rite of passage I have to get through in order to restore my life at work. I will try to be courageous every day and take it a moment at a time. Jesus, give me strength. I miss the idea of “Dad” so much, it hurts when I am with people. But I will find a way through it, because I know I can.
