The joys, the woes, the highs, the lows.
I find that the extremes of life have not really stretched beyond what has been before. Rather, I tend to move to those extremes more readily without the ability to look back at its counter-side. One moment I’m completely joking and laughing, and the very next, I sink deep into sadness. It takes about one to five minutes for the emotion pendulum to make its full swing.
It is the inbetween that I long for, the balance that allows me to both understand the extremes without necessarily having to go there myself. It is those extremes that allow me to gather the information I need to make my everyday decisions – what to wear, what to eat, how to drive, and so on. And it is those extremes that I see but do not touch that allow me to find ways to interact with those whom I encounter.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not afraid to visit the extremes. But in my present state, I am just afraid of going there and losing myself so much, that I have little ability to return to the centre. The moment something gets a little stressful, I am overwhelmed with anxiety and pain, and the fear of failing or disappointing someone takes over completely.
The cure? It’s simple. And it’s not new. Practice, practice, practice. I will not learn while standing away from the problem. Rather, each encounter with my inability to cope with emotions is a moment to choose courage and decide that I will not allow myself to simple fall into despair. It is counter to my natural inclination, and that is entirely what I need to do.
This is my prayer, that self-control would find its way into my moments of loss and bewilderment. There is nothing too big that cannot be conquered by love… even this. And there are many who do love me. I know this well.
