I feel myself slipping away again. I don’t know why or how this happened, but I’m slipping back into the depressive habits that reflect that I am not getting better. Paddy warned me that there are ups and downs, but the general forward motion should still go up. I have felt dips and valleys in my recovery, having some days I get up and “know” it’s going to be a bad, bad day for me. But this is a huge dip. I crave isolation again, crave being home, and no longer am interested in what is going on in the world. My TV has once again lie dormant for a month now.
I think I may have pushed myself too fast to start seeing people again outside of family. But I will continue and try to make it work. My first meeting with the “Lee’s” was nice. A bit of information overload with catch-up time, but they are such an understanding family. However, I drove home with tears streaming down my cheeks, and that night was a completely sleepless night. I went to bed at 11am the next day, having tried many times to get my body to rest.
I wonder, if the news of my boss resigning is anchored in this chain of events. I certainly felt more positive before he told me the news. As soon as he did tell me, I felt my whole being go numb, and my thinking disappear. I didn’t feel anything at this significant change in my life.
Oh how I wish I could understand what is happening to me. So many questions to ask Paddy at our next meeting. So afraid of friendship, and yet craving it at the same time. For the time being, my Skype friends will have to do the trick.
Lord, help me.